Christmas Eve...

Par for the course, today was a roller coaster like most other days. Started out super crappy, scary, sad (insert all other not great words). Anxiety was high for our little man going into his procedure. It was the first time having his port accessed while he was awake and that terrified him. Thankfully, I think moving forward it won't be as bad after doing this first one. He doesn't love unknowns (do any of us?!). Facts help him, details help him. He likes to KNOW. And that needle looked scary.

Anxiety turned to a breakdown for me, the tears came uncontrollably AGAIN watching him get wheeled back to his surgery room AGAIN. I said, "I'll be praying for you buddy!" and he replied, "I know mom..." in somewhat of a defeated tone. I get it bud, I get it...

Walking out to the waiting room I felt like this shouldn't be this hard, its freakin Christmas Eve! What are we doing here? We should be at my sister's house celebrating her birthday and then getting ready to go to Christmas Eve services at church. Yet here we are and nothing we can do about it except keep going.

Cooper got done pretty quick and we went back to see him. Another successful procedure (check it off my list!). As he is waking up he's singing some Christmas sounding song about a "Rizzler, Gyatt, Sigma??" lol All those words that make zero sense to me but made David and I laugh. This is Cooper all drugged up and relieved that is over...

What's been important to me through this process is that we keep it high priority to do as much as we can all 6 of us AND do our best to let each kid be able to speak up with whats important to them and honor that the best we can. It won't always work out but when it does I know that's important.

So this year, we did the online Christmas Eve service. All 6 of us. Bria provided communion for us with Hawaiian rolls and fruit punch. Cooper asked for an extra large portion of the "juice" and said, "look how much of Jesus' blood I get!" :) Bria also provided us all with our own candlelight service. Birthday candles stuck in rolls for the base. The candlelight is her favorite part of Christmas Eve. So we sat in our living room, holding our birthday candles in rolls and somehow for me personally this was the most meaningful candlelight service I've ever been to.

The roller coaster took a turn into a quiet, peaceful and incredibly meaningful moment. With tears in my eyes, I looked at each one of my family members and felt so lucky. Sadie snuggled up to me said, "Mommy are you okay?"... and for once these tears were tears of joy.

We've always gone to church in person on Christmas Eve. My big girls said that is what makes Christmas feel like "Christmas" to them. We just got done watching the service together so they wrestled with if they still wanted to go in person. At the last minute, the answer was YES! They still wanted to go. So, I quickly put on some "real" clothes and off we went. Just the 3 of us...

I know I've talked a lot about how much I love my people. Walking into those doors I felt nothing but love. I got lots of hugs, real questions and the looks that just go straight to my soul. You know, when someone can see past the 1st layer and aren't afraid to hold the pain with you, to look not just at your eyes but right to your soul? I've grown to see that as such a gift, to know I am seen, known and loved. In all the mess, in all the pain. I don't have to be "happy" Brittany. They want to know ME.

This candlelight service was also special. Hitting on such a raw real level of just how bright the light shines in the darkness. I had to take this pic to remind myself and to share just how much each one of you are a light in our dark world right now. Jesus really does shine brightest here. I see it at every corner. In the most painful places that make no sense. There He is.

Merry Christmas my friends, much love to each one of you!!