Nighttime Panics

Sleep. I guess I knew I could function on little to no sleep, I mean we have had 4 newborns. Cooper is our baby and is 9 now so it's been a few years since I've had the every few hour wake up calls. In the hospital, Coop has had to get up every few hours to go to the bathroom (which is awesome because did you know he pee's out the cancer cells the chemo has killed?!). So we tell him, everytime you go to the bathroom you are getting rid of your cancer! :)

This past night was probably his best since he's not hooked up to his IV line at the moment. There is a possibility he could be going home today!! (Sat 12/21/24). I was looking forward to getting a few more hours with less wake up calls. However, it seems as soon as my body knows it can rest the fears of my subconscious are like "heyyyy it's my turn!"

Last night I had a dream that I had a sore throat and a fever. In every other situation I wouldn't even remember this dream. Right now, it threw me into a full panic. I woke up all sweaty and my heart rate elevated. I had to remind myself it was just a dream and then started thinking about the reality of what that dream was telling me and why my body reacted the way it did.

I am SO DANG EXCITED to go home and I am TERRIFIED. The world out there is full of germs that my sweet boy's body now is either not going to be able to handle at all or have a really really hard time fighting off with practically zero immune system. I am so freaking grateful we live at a time that doctors have figured out these medicines that can save his life but in reality they are extreme poisons that are being pumped into him almost non-stop. For a long time.

Once we leave these doors of the hospital it will once again be up to David and I to make sure we keep him as healthy as we can, administer his chemo twice daily, watch him for any side affects and trust our gut to make the calls to his docs through this process. The weight of the responsibility of it all feels quite similar to when we were leaving the hospital with Addy the first time, both excited and terrified.

It's 4:15am and I am once again wide awake. Maybe this is the best time for me to process??

Today Cooper is getitng his last dose of chemo that he has to get administered in the hospital because it can create an allergic reaction. Interestingly enough, he will always have to get this specific chemo in the hospital because even if he doesn't have an allergic reaction this time, he could next time. Please be praying for him specifically from 10am-12pm as he is getting this form of chemo. Pray that his body can handle it okay and that there are no allergic reactions. If all goes well, we get to go HOME this afternoon!!

We all are so ready to be in our own space! Cooper's next appointment is on Christmas Eve with another spinal tap and chemo administered to his spinal fluid. Even though he has to get put to sleep for that procedure it should just be an out-patient visit which means we will still be back home on Christmas Eve and wake up in our house on Christmas morning! I'm timidly hopeful and excited that all goes as planned.

Thank you SO DANG much for all your prayers, messages, generosity and creative thoughtfulness. I will make a seperate post about the massive impact this has made for us but for now please know, every single effort matters and has been our lifeline. We feel your support big and wide and its a precious gift to each one of us. Please keep reaching out because it matters! XO